A letter for you..

BabyKev,

That night, you asked me "What makes you so different now?"
I told you I am ready for a change.

Why am I different now?
The difference is, previously everytime when we come to a junction, this is what went through my mind "I have not been doing it correctly, I have gotta treat him better, fairly". And this is how I am gonna do it........

The realization really kicks in late, seriously I did asked myself "Why only now?"
Now only I found that, I have been pushing myself so hard that I forget about LIFE. I am sad because I have not live life, pushing you too harsh because I have set an extremely high standards for myself. I am so afraid that if I pulled down the standards, then the dream would be gone. But not knowing that I am chasing so hard after life, not living it NOW, and also giving you much pressure.
It is taxing. It is extremely tiring.

I bet you were thinking that, If I change then its not me anymore. Just wanted to let you know, I am not changing for lesser but to a more comfortable and happy life. What is life for if I am not happy, and I am not enjoying? And if I wanted to enjoy life, I wanted to be with you. Yes, a dumb dumb has been clouded/blurred much that she has not been seeing things clearly.

Why Kevin Saw?
Because Kevin Saw know what is life, and Joyce Wong knows only how to chase after life.
Because Kevin Saw have got many principles in life that Joyce Wong often forget about.
Because Kevin Saw has taught many things to Joyce Wong but Joyce Wong couldn't take it and she is so hard-headed about her directions in life.
Because Kevin Saw emphasize on the quality of life on a deeper level and Joyce Wong sees it only from the surface.
Because people like Kevin Saw is rare species and hard to be found already.

Human being are like that, see things clearer when they lost it.
I am no better, but just to hope that it wasn't too late for us.

I understand now that, a year ago when you took a huge step to go into the business.
...because now that I myself gotta get into sales line, I have great great fear.
I understand now that, the first year is to build a strong base.
...because someone told me that insurance business you gotta give it a good two to three years to see the results.
I also could see that, you are really working hard.
...and I wanted to apologize, I am truly truly sorry; because I have not been playing the supporting role well.

I miss you.
I have been keep checking on whatsapp, just in case I miss your message.
Waited long for just any messages.

You and I both believe that "If two were meant to be together, then we were meant to be together no matter what; Force can't make it happen."
So if even after you sort out your thoughts and you still don't feel anything for me anymore, then I will have to take a deep breath and move on with life..

And I wish you all the best..

ALY
DarlinJ

The stingy Scorpio and defensive Aries

Friday, after work.. Went to your house, thought about seeing you. Wanting to see you.
But you're not there, your car was around. I couldn't wait for too long. Your parents will be back. And you are going for games. I am dead tired, after whole day of presentation and mental torture.

On my way back home, thought of wanting to read some articles about Aries and Scorpio..
About how these 2 special and powerful horoscope could have work together, and what are the conflicts they may have.

First one from www.astrology.com:
http://www.astrology.com/love-compatibility-aries-scorpio/2-d-lvmt-aries_scorpio

"Both Signs love power and they can achieve just about anything — as long as they learn to share the spotlight."
"Aries is a Fire Sign and Scorpio is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, combining emotion and physical action to get things done. Scorpio is a strategist, and can help Aries slow down and learn how to plan battles before jumping into them. Aries teaches Scorpio to let go and move on when their efforts are thwarted. However, Water can also put out a Fire, and Scorpio’s tendency toward emotional manipulation has that effect on Aries — it’s too much Water dampening Aries’s enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire makes Water evaporate away; when under emotional stress, Scorpio can become vindictive. It’s essential for Aries and Scorpio to work together, not against one another."

After reading this, I thought to myself 
"What if I could learn to listen a little bit more and not too hard-headed?" 

Secondly from www.ask-oracle.com:
http://www.ask-oracle.com/sign-compatibility/aries-scorpio/

The bond shared by an Aries and a Scorpio is very intriguing but at the same time tough to keep. They have a strong pull towards each other but harmony is difficult to be attained between these two. They are both passionate in their own ways and but their styles and expressions are different.

Aries folks are highly independent and hate to be dictated over any subject whether personal or professional. Aries beings are impulsive, quick-tempered and emotional. They are not bothered by the cautions others use by analyzing situations, they proceed to act based on emotions rather than intellect. Aries are typically on the defense trying to protect their sensitive nature. Aries never goes looking for a fight, but when one is picked with an Aries one can better watch out. They respond with fiery rage and most are left not knowing how to extinguish the fire. At the same time they can tend to be selfish and egotistical. Aries are committed but lose interest quickly if something has lost its excitement.

Scorpios are strong personages, filled with mystery, who are constantly looking for power and are quite loyal to their loved ones. Beneath the soft voice of Scorpios lie their subtle strategies to enhance their career and personal life. They can handle pretty much any situation on their own and are most tolerable to almost all things. Scorpios can lean more towards the offensive, but not so much out of the irrational rage. They strike once and when they strike, they strike hard. They use their intellect to plan and strategize their attack while often using deception to target and exploit another’s weakness. When a Scorpio is pushed, they do not run, but they wait for the right moment to unleash their fury. And this comes without warning. Scorpios are perfect teachers of will power and stability.

It would make sense that Aries learns to cooperate with Scorpio through experience. This type of cooperation requires an Aries to respectfully distance them self. The nature of a Scorpio requires that they need to learn early on, through emotional development, social skills such as forgiveness, empathy, courtesy and respect for authority. These allow healthier social interactions and relationships. In other words, they must learn to work through things and resolve issues and exhaust all avenues for compromise. On the positive side, Scorpio and Aries mesh well in the areas of loyalty and principle. Neither does compromise these attributes, which seems to draw them closer to each other. But both are set in their ways “having it their way”, for the Scorpio does not accepts defeat and the Aries must win. Scorpio never gives in, never admits defeat. Aries is likewise dedicated fiercely to winning. Yet, there’s another Scorpio quality, intangible, indefinable, that Aries finds impossible to comprehend; the long lasting will power of a Scorpio.

These two can accomplish many feats together as long as they respect each other’s differences. An Aries and a Scorpio does best when they both learn that neither one take any heat for the other. They are both fighters and have no problem standing up for themselves or the cause in which the both dearly believe. The Aries benefit most by realizing that they cannot break the will of a Scorpio. If they learn how to work best together they rarely find themselves in defeat. These two strive to win, no matter the game. These two make a fiery determined team. There are occasional moments when the Scorpio’s sharp stare of angry disapproval, or overpowered will, can be out-and-out chilling to an Aries, causing the Aries to inwardly shiver. Their strategies are very different. But generally they make out things peacefully.

In the happy Aries-Scorpio associations, the Aries responds beautifully to the Scorpio friend, neighbor, relative, business associate, lover or mate. Lovers share a passionate relationship with much to share on emotional level and even more on physical level. 

There are some major differences in the behavior of Aries and Scorpio that lead to aggressive moments in their relations. Aries defends intensely, in the front lines. Scorpio attacks out of the blue and without warning. At war, these two are natural enemies can go to any extend to taste victory. Aries can feel over dominated by Scorpio and can throw some angry words at them while Scorpio finds Aries impulsive and careless and thus does not trust them. Their look at to money is also different. Scorpio likes luxury but still they love to keep money for financial security while Aries are spontaneous at spending money without thinking of future. Harmony and cooperation is the best way they can find each other comfortable and it begins with love and trust in any relationship.

Seriously, after reading, it's definitely the "Oh my god.." moments..

Just what if the foolish me could understand this bit earlier.

Another one from Oracle:

http://www.ask-oracle.com/sign-compatibility/aries-woman-scorpio-man/

The Aries and the Scorpio makes an unusually exciting pair with Aries to provide lots of enthusiasm and Scorpio to provide commitment in the relationship. Aries are direct while Scorpios are more circuitous in expressing love. Moreover Aries have fluctuations in their behavior, whereas, Scorpios are stable and steady.

A Scorpio man is a superhuman being with a blend of passion, intellect and a magnetic attraction that is challenging to avoid. His mind is sharp, critical, cautious and skeptical making him unique and interesting. He is a perfect picture of will power and stability. When in love with an Aries woman, he gives her love and care with all the passion of this world and the other world. He is one of a kind shielding lover and is always by the side of his lady to protect her from the cruel world. He is very tolerant and gives his Aries woman complete freedom to enjoy her individuality. But if he is pushed, he never backs off but waits for the right time and take revenge.

An Aries woman is defensive in behavior and tries to protect her sensitive nature from hurts and pains. She is a bit confused person who responds with fiery rage and is usually left not knowing how to extinguish the fire. She is quick minded and able to see through manipulation easily, this makes her admire her Scorpio man who is truly sincere. She appreciates his loyalty and provides him with equal passion in the relationship. At times Scorpio man may find her to be selfish and egotistical. But once this woman is committed she is extremely sentimental and loyal regarding the relationship.

An Aries woman makes a quick impression on the Scorpio man with her pleasant purity and strong courage and blind faith in his love. Emotionally she is on the same level of attraction and vigor as that of her Scorpio man. She is one of the few women, to whom the Scorpio is willing to reveal his unexposed side. In fact he is one of the few males, she allows to dominate her. She brings new enthusiasm and changes in his life to make him feel more regenerated. She deeply respects the loyalty of Scorpio male and feels secure around him which gives her new energy to try exciting things in her life. But to keep an Aries female committed, excitement has to be kept on its pace because an Aries lose interest quickly if relationship has lost its excitement.

The constancy of a Scorpio man attracts an Aries woman strongly as she herself lacks it. He is a perfect man for an Aries lady who wants her womanhood to be admired and her individuality to be accepted. He is one of a kind loyal person who does not show any interest in outer world once he is actually in a committed relationship and is satisfied with his lady. He is one person who accepts the aggressive attitude of her and is tolerant to her fiery temper. He always gives attention to all the interests of her and is always by her side to support her and make her feel protected. But the suspicious nature of the Scorpio man can put her on a trail with many questions pouring on. This can make her furious and can create differences in their love life.

There is a depth in the love between Aries woman and Scorpio man that is seldom equaled for sheer passionate, devotion and spiritual closeness. Mentally they may be two different worlds but their emotional closeness brings them in an ecstasy that lacks in most of the usual couples. As their love reaches deeper emotional levels, she smoothly manages to tolerate his superiority, infuriating silence and deep wells of secrecy and he also calmly overlooks her flows of jealousy, financial extravagance and frequent demands for attention in an immature emotional approach. As they both overcome their differences with their strong bond of trust and attachment, she receives enduring happiness with her Scorpio man and he becomes the man of her dreams for whom she gives up all her egos and selfishness. Their oneness create an angelic peace in their existence making them fall in love with each other more and more with each passing day.

A sexual relationship between the two is very fulfilling. He provides her with the feelings of eternal love she needs. Sexual attraction lasts for a very long time for them. The passion between them is extremely strong giving both of them divine physical and emotional satisfaction which brings them closer every time they make love. When she is in full submission to him, he feels her so much more pure this way, so much more vulnerable, exposed, and open. His intense desires in make her feel so full, so fleshy, so wet with arousal. Their physical intimacy becomes stronger with time developing more trust and faith in their relation. The only area where sex can cause problems between them is her tendency to exaggerate his strong appeal for women into accusations of unfaithfulness. The Scorpio can also cause problems by reading the Aries free and friendly manner as flirting with other men. It would be wise for him to realize that she’s too honest and full of ideals about love to commit adultery without extreme provocation, and even then, she confesses it almost before it happens.

When an Aries woman and a Scorpio man are attracted towards each other, the attraction is very mutual both emotionally and physically having long-lasting bond. The reliability and protectiveness of the Scorpio man always clicks her while her individuality and innocence makes him fall for her instantly. Both of them share the common emotion of passion which is raw in Aries and ripen in Scorpio but still they enjoy each others’ sides well. But the envious, selfish and controlling attitude of Aries is hard for the Scorpio to match up with while the Aries hate the mysterious and doubtful nature of the Scorpios. Both of them need to manipulate their personal tiffs and perceptual creations to maintain harmony and improve their relationship.

*SIGH 

Lastly-----> http://scorpioland.org/aries-scorpio-rebelsthat-ride-or-die-together/

星期天大事件

家中发生了大暴乱，妈子终于还是忍受不了崩溃了。
这一次事件的发生似乎又让我更讨厌爸了~

恨他的不闻不问
恨他让老妈子承受一切
恨他在有事情发生时，不懂该如何处理
而当作没一回事

让我更想保护妈
让我更想让自己更强
让我不得不更强

硬壳子，豆腐心
是硬要让自己更坚强
应该怎么做？

是真的一波接一波啊…
今年真的不好过吧~

人都是这样吗？
非得等到失去了才懂得珍惜

一个星期下来
哭了不知道多少回
醒悟了 也觉悟了
知道曾经在我身边那男人的重要

我知道是什么逼走了他
是我的任性
是我的无理取闹
是我的不断在物质上的追求
是我的要求完美

种种的压力
加诛在你身上

因为自己不断的要求提升
随后自己无法完成
因为生气自己
所以把气出在你身上
对不起…

因为自己的任意妄为
伤害了你
对不起…

我看到了你的努力
却不懂得如何鼓励
和支持你
对不起…

把心里的话说了出来后
不知怎的
眼前一直浮现出很多 很多
人总是不断盲目追求 而忘了活着的意义

我开始学着以平常心 去过日子
我也愿意放下那遥不可及的梦想
踏实的过日子
点点滴滴
从没有到有

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

我会学着原谅爸
因为不管妈有多辛苦
她还是不断叮咛
“不管怎样，他都是你爸，你们一定要尊重他的”
是我太不懂事了
听了之后不懂得分辨
妈要的只是有要个发泄管道
我 把妈的感觉化为了自己的
一直想要替妈出口气
却忘了 做好自己的本分

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

至于你
我知道你不再相信我了
不再告诉我心里话了
因为我伤你太深
其实真的很不想放手
甚至想告诉你
我愿意改变
只为换取能和你开心的在一起
你还会选择信我多一次吗？

只能向前看了

从做决定那一天起，心里头就浮现了那一股 “原来，要放弃一个人是这么一回事”。
从来，我就只有力挽感情而不曾有放弃的念头的。
只是这一次，我只能理智了。
因为，只有这样对我们最好。

XX后的那一天，我没上班。跟老板说，我生病了。
去了面试，然后找小田吃午餐就回家去了。
第一天，仍然有着“我们不会就这样结束”的感觉~
所以没什么伤感…
是习惯了分分合合的缘故吧？

接着今天，去上班了。
一天下来，感觉越是强烈了。
脑海中不断的重复着
“他是真的不要我了，是自找的，是自己不懂珍惜。
这是我要求的，我很肯定这对我们最好。
我真的只剩我自己了”

我在忏悔着，我知道自己不值得让你疼。

想着想着，有几度眼泪几乎夺眶而出。
忍下来了。

就在回家的途中，那么一次，我让自己放肆了一下下。
偷偷的让自己流泪了；有抽泣，但很快的我收了起来。
不能让人发现啊~

是。
我的确是逼得自己很紧很紧，紧得连身边的人都透不过气来。

其实很压力，最近肠胃频频出状况我就该懂了。
可是能怎样？
对自己做了的决定，能腿缩吗？
我只知道不顾一切的达到目标，决不能后退。
我如果退，就输给自己了。

我，是能撑多久啊？

The discussion with Mr Lim

Today Mr Lim called for discussion.

This wasn't the important ones, the discussion after the meeting is. Lol.
The CC I know - Clarence & Cheok, the way they asked me made me reflect the whole conversation in another perspective. The flow:- Talking about personal stuff (5min) -> then went into the "what is my plan after leaving the job?" -> 'attacking on details' which could be:-

1. I have not think through on my future planning because I don't have a job yet
2. If I quit now, the sudden stop of cash flow which I totally agreed on. And definitely one of the reason I felt fearful. That is why, I have decided to secure a job within a month after walking out from current job.

-> the last two weapon that you have brought out

What is the benefits/plus points out of the conversation:-
1. No, I am definitely not joining Kevin immediately. Can't have unstable income. How I could have support him better is not to give him the pressure by taking off the money issue out from him.
2. As for beading, I will have to start it quick. Business proposal plan has got to be out. Now, NAME/LOGO/FACEBOOK acc/PICTURES/NAMECARDS will be First PRIORITY.
3. Talk to mummy. Let her understand, gives her comfort that I will definitely get a job within a month time.


How I felt throughout the conversation:-
1. I felt stronger/burning DESIRE to be in the sales line.
2. You actually bite your own words, on 2 incidents. One is, initially you asked me why not getting yourself to be as insurance agent. Two is, you are the one told us 2 months ago to follow our feelings in our career but now you asked me to think logically. I am young, I could have lose taken a different path but I lose more if I don't take the risk to do it now.
3. I have mentioned that I am very sure that I am no longer interested in the job, but it seems you have not listen it. Maybe..maybe.. you do not agree that I could have succeed being a sales person. But like what I have mentioned in my previous post, I have someone that have been supporting me and see me succeed.

Thank you for the sincere advices..

Call me selfish but I think my future is crucial as compared to anything now..

Last note:

I don't want to forget this thus penning it down..

My dear Kevin Saw,

Thank you for asking me to be firm before the talk.. And has always reminded me that things are not always rosy.
I now could have understand better that the sun doesn't shine on every part of the world. And when it is dark, I just gotta learn to see the little light in it.

I do reckon that there are things where you are at the upper hand, but what I am asking for is seeing you standing up for it. Just like last night.. <3

Leaving A job..

Never have thought leaving a job could be stressful and to make me put my fingers together for this blog post.

Few questions I would like to ask:

1. For the one year I have been with you, how do you see me as a person now?

2. I wanted to move out from sales management because I eager for the practical experience; and if you say that I am not ready. OR if I am not suited for a sales job, what do you see me would excel in then? Or by when that I am ready?

3. If I don't start it now, when is the right timing?

4. If you are really concern of me, why now?

You are the one who asked us to go with our gut feelings when we are at work, especially this age. It is what I am feeling right now. And I have never been through the phase to search for a job while still in current job, because I just don't seem it to be right. I see searching a job as a job itself.

My dear boss, you are the one who told us that a sales person could be shaped/trained. If you tell me I am not ready, what if I tell you I am ready for the challenge? I love interacting with people and I know I am good at it.

Allow me to share with you a story..

Do you know Jay Chou? How much do you know about him?
that he is very well-known internationally.. A very talented Music Player that many many fans admire and chasing after his music?

I get to read a little more about his background lately. People who understand a little bit more knows that he loves his mother a lot. He will do anything if it could make her mom happy, he even had had an album who name after his mom.

When he was 4 years old, his mom sent him to the childcare's Piano class and Jay who is normally actively playing suddenly becomes quiet and stood beside the piano teacher when he plays it. And he actually repeated the song after listening only once to the teacher playing it.

And the teacher told his mom about it that Jay is very talented. And for this, his mom actually spent all the savings just to buy the piano. The father actually do not agree in it. And ever since, the parents are always in argument.

His parents got divorced when he was 14, then he wrote "There is no love between Mom and Dad, is life as such as it is?" This has shaped the strong character of Jay being silent,stubborn and rebellious.

Jay was only good at Piano but nothing else during his academic life. There was even one point for which the teacher actually points it out to his mother that he has learning disabilities. But his mother never give up on him. However as expected, he had not been able to make it through to University.

The Mother and grandparents were very worries about him, even so during his serve for military service. He got Spondylitis, which may cause paralysis of the body in the later stage.

After when he recovers from the sickness, he worked in a restaurant. The boss never had good impression with him until he discovers that Jay could have play the Piano very well.
His mother realized the talent in him, and has supported him all the way even though it's a tough and rough route.

Till today, he is a successful Music Talent even though he might have the weirdest lyrics of all.

Moral of the story: If you don't think that I am ready, then who am I? When I was with you guys, I know that there is always someone better no matter how hard I've tried. All the people would have known how much effort I have put in. So are you denying all my efforts?

I do appreciate what you guys have thought, but please let me see WHY I should still stay?

Dear Vicky, do you know why I have grown under your wings? Because of your unconditional support and space you have given me to grow mine. Seriously, I don't see it when I am with them.

I don't understand why getting out of one company can be so complicated...
Good to still have some third opinion? =)

In conclusion, TWO MAIN THING:

1. To leave with good impression, which doesn't really matter any more.
2. To get myself out of the company.

Signing off feeling satisfied *grin